Other than keeping friends & family updated on Caringbridge, I've never blogged. So here goes.
My youngest child, Connor, was diagnosed with Ewings sarcoma of the acetabulum ( the concave surface of the pelvis where the head of your femur and pelvis meet to form your hip joint ) on April 19th, 2006. He was 15. According to his oncologist, it was cureable. I'd love to say that all went according to plan and Connor is doing well and is now cancer free. But that isn't the case.
It was a long and difficult journey for Connor and our family. Heartbreaking, gut wrenching and damn well frustrating. It just about kills me every time I think about how hard he fought and what he went through. There are so many details, that I couldn't possibly write about it in one night. I will tell you though, that he endured the first year of treatment that failed to kill the cancer. Then another year of surgery that fused his femur to his pelvis, more chemo & radiation, a full body cast and daily physio just to learn to stand and use a walker. Only to be told that the cancer was not gone. A full hemipelvectomy was his only chance of survival. So at 17 he made the decision to have half of his pelvis and his left leg amputated. He fought through hundreds of transfusions, septic infection, a failed attempt to save the stump surgeons had built and that was only in the first week post amputation. Drs told us to call our family together because they didn't expect Connor to survive. We had no idea just how strong he was. He fought through with all of his might, began to recover and just 17 days after surgery he was moved from ICU up to his room on 3R. So many things went wrong after that. Complication after complication, infection, fever, inability to eat or drink etc. then, on May 16th 2008, came the devastating news. Connors cancer had returned and there was nothing more they could do. We gathered a team of drs & paramedics and within a couple of weeks Connor was airlifted back to our home town where he would spend his last months surrounded by family & friends. On August 30th 2008, 42 days shy of his 18th birthday, Connor quietly & peacefully passed away.
My son was amazing! I still can believe how strong and courageous he was. I wish that I had half of his strength and character. My journey through grief has been less than strong and courageous. Most days I just get by. It's been 1753 days since Connor died. That's 4yrs, 9 months & 19 days. I wanted to start a foundation in Connors memory. Hopefully this year, on the 5th anniversary of his death, I will have the strength to do just that.
It's hard to believe, but some people tell me I should have gotten over it by now. Like losing my child is akin to having the flu or something. I'll never get over this. But hopefully by sharing Connors story and my journey I might begin to work through some of this gut wrenching grief. Who knows maybe I can show another parent who's just lost their child, that it is possible to get out of bed again. I guess that a start.
Right now all I can do is repeat Connors moto. "Stick it to Ewings"
Miss you Connor, Love you forever.
